A Breakdown in Communication
a study of the importance of communication in marriage

Introduction:
    
There was Adam in the cradle of life and civilization in the midst of all the untainted glory
of God’s creation with himself as the shining star and in the midst of all this splendor
Adam was yet utterly unfulfilled (Gen 2:20).  God knew the solution and soon enough
Adam awoke to find himself missing a rib, but finally complete as he rose to walk hand
in hand with his helpmeet, his bride, his friend and his lover.  So what could possibly go
wrong as they set up house in this beautiful garden and lived together in such a blissful
state that they were absolutely unashamed in one another’s presence (Gen. 2:25).

There was a breakdown in communication.  They were apart from one another and
therefore unable to communicate.  But there had evidently been no communication
between husband and wife about what to do if there was trouble in paradise.  Eve didn't
look for Adam first before making a rash decision at the bidding of the serpent, there was
no communication...  Satan understands that once we have become one flesh with
another, our defenses are only half as strong when he can find us apart.  He tempted her
with knowledge and power and she bit.  As always happens when you share part of
yourself with another, your sin affects them as well and sure enough, Adam was led into
temptation as well.  Suddenly, this beautiful union became rife with shame, blame, and
turmoil.

We must not be ignorant of Satan’s devices (2 Cor 2:11).  If he can find any way or
anyone to come between a husband and wife, he will do just that.  Communication must
take place often and properly among husband and wife.  I love and agree with the
statement of author Iris Murdoch who said, “there is no substitute for the comfort
supplied by the utterly taken-for granted relationship.”  It is a beautiful thing to come
home and be so secure in your love for your spouse that you can go through your
evening routine with barely a word spoken between you and yet still fall asleep with the
assurance that the person laying next to you is rapturously in love with you.  But the devil
can even use this beauty and routine as a stumbling block to a happy marriage.

I have heard a married lady say that once her children grew up and moved away that she
found herself living with a complete stranger.  In pouring all of their love and affection and
time into their children for 20 years, they no longer knew eachother.  How terribly sad.
One way to route the routine is to communicate, sounds simple right?  Well, what if I say
that this is the husband's duty?  Now not quite as simple right?  We need to be just as
skilled at communication as our wives... and wives, you listen too so you can
communicate these things back to your husband if he needs a reminder...

PRAYER

COMMUNICATION IS THE FOUNDATION OF ANY RELATIONSHIP

Communication is the single most important aspect of ANY relationship.  I can make this
statement because it is intuitive that without communication there can be no
relationship.  For example:

1) Without God's word there would be no relationship with him
2) Without prayer, there could be no relationship with God and so on.

We can communicate in many different ways depending on the thing to be
communicated and the person or persons we're communicating to.  For instance we
would not communicate to our boss in the same way that we would communicate with a
customer.  We do not communicate with children the same way that we communicate
with adults and so on.

The problem for the Christian husband is that he must be skilled at communicating as:

A businessman, a motivational speaker, a leader, a bodyguard, a romantic, a preacher,
and more with the added bonus of doing so without bitterness and with honor and
respect!  How can we learn to communicate as we should?

I. GENERIC EXAMPLES

A. THE BAD

We  have seen failure many times due to the breakdown of communication among Bible
husbands and wives,  Examples:

1. Adam and Eve.  Adam did not communicate properly as a leader or as
a protector, Eve did not communicate before making a big decision.

2. Ananias and Saphira:  Ananias did not communicate properly as a
leader or as a steward. (acts 5:1-10)

3. Ahasuerus and Vashti:  Ahasueras did not communicate with
understanding, and was embittered towards Vashti  (Esther ch. 1) (he
drank for seven days, wanted to treat her like a trophy and then  got mad at
HER for not complying)

4. Ahasuerus and Esther:  Ahasueras didn't know enough about Esther to
know that pronouncing death upon the Jews included his own wife!  
(Haman mad at Mordechi then all Jews for not bowing to him)

B. THE GOOD

We also see some good marriages:

1. Ruth and Boaz:  Boaz communicated to Ruth through his actions that
he would care for and provide for her.  (Leaving grain in the fields,
redeeming her from a closer relative)

2. Aquilla and Priscilla:   Aquilla communicated well as a protector and
leader, in that he brought his wife to Corinth to escape death as a Jew
under Claudius:

Acts 18:2         And he found a certain Jew named Aquila, born in Pontus,
who had recently come from Italy with his wife Priscilla (because Claudius
had commanded all the Jews to depart from Rome); and he came to
them.         

Aquilla was a good communicator of spiritual things, such that both he
and his wife were able to reveal God's will to Apollos:

Acts 18:26         So he began to speak boldly in the synagogue. When
Aquila and Priscilla heard him, they took him aside and explained to him
the way of God more accurately.          

Again, Aquilla must have been a good communicator in leading the
home, because the church met in his home:

1 Cor 16:19         . The churches of Asia greet you. Aquila and Priscilla
greet you heartily in the Lord, with the church that is in their house.          

These have all been pretty general, but there are some specifics that the Bible reveals...
more than I have written down here.

II. SPECIFIC EXAMPLES

Specifically, we must:

A. Remind her of her worth and our love:

1. Proverbs 31:10
Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth [is] far above rubies.

2. Proverbs 18:22
"he who findeth a wife, findeth a good thing and obtaineth favor of the Lord"

3. Eph 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave
Himself for her,

B. Communicate to her concerning spiritual things:

1. 1 tim 2:11
Let a woman learn in silence with all submission.    So husbands have an
important duty:

2. 1 cor 14:35 35
And if they want to learn something, let them ask their own husbands at
home; for it is shameful for women to speak in church.

3. We must communicate even rebuke, if necessary:  
Job 2:10 But he said to her, "You speak as one of the foolish women
speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept
adversity?" In all this Job did not sin with his lips.
Just think if Ananias or Saphira had chosen to communicate to the other
that perhaps their plan was not good and upright before things had gone
too far...

C. Communicate physical needs:
This is every bit as important as any other type of communication.  How many
marriages have failed because physical needs were not communicated,
therefore not met and therefore one or both partners in the marriage sought out
such needs with someone who would communicate about such things...

1. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 3
Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also
the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own
body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have
authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one
another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to
fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt
you because of your lack of self-control.

2. Hebrews 13:4
Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators
and adulterers God will judge.

          

D. Communicate comforting words:

1. 1 Samuel 1:7,8 7
So it was, year by year, when she went up to the house of the LORD, that
she provoked her; therefore she wept and did not eat. 8 Then Elkanah her
husband said to her, "Hannah, why do you weep? Why do you not eat?
And why is your heart grieved? Am I not better to you than ten sons?"

E. Communicate as a leader:

1. 1 Corinthians 11:3 But I want you to know that the head of every man is
Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.

While communicating all of these things and much more to our wives, we must also
understand some attitudes and concepts of communication that must prevail throughout.

III. PREVAILING CONCEPTS

A. Communicate with the understanding that you are ONE.

1. Eph 5:31
"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to
his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."  

We must speak to our wives and communicate with them in the same way we want to be
treated.  Being a leader does not  mean being overbearing.  Think of being the leader in
a 3-legged race.  There are two parts to the team and each part must move as one to
avoid falling on their faces.  One must take the lead in shouting out commands so that
they can both move at the same time.  This may be simplistic, but a marriage is much
the same.  We may be the leader, but without full cooperation from our wives, both of us
will fail miserably.

B. We must communicate without anger or bitterness at all times

1. Colossians 3:19
Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.

C. We must listen to our wives

1. Genesis 21:12
But God said to Abraham, "Do not let it be displeasing in your sight
because of the lad or because of your bondwoman. Whatever Sarah has
said to you, listen to her voice; for in Isaac your seed shall be called.
(emphasis mine)

Communication cannot be one way in a good relationship.  Abraham should have
listened to Sarah, what she had said was precisely what the Lord wanted!   I think
husbands are sometimes misguided in their idea of leadership in that they think being a
leader means, "My way or the highway."  This is wrong and will very quickly lead to a
breakdown in communication.  Think of a team in a business setting.  Certainly one
member must be designated as a team leader, but that leader would be utterly stupid to
ignore input from the rest of his team and do everything their own way.  To be a good and
effective leader in the home, we must have input from our wives.

D. Perhaps both hardest and most important of all, we must communicate to her
with understanding:

1. 1 Peter 3:7
Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to
the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace
of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.   (wives may find
submission difficult... but is it as difficult as us understanding them?!?)

Conclusion:

If we can not only talk to our wife and communicate to her all of those things that we have
a duty to communicate, but listen to her in the areas where her responsibilities lie, then
we will surely have a successful marriage which can drive us on to even greater spiritual
blessings.  The devil knows how much pain and turmoil a broken marriage will cause for
years and even into future generations.  Lets not let him get the chance just because we
don't communicate.

God has communicated to us the way to have a relationship with Him.  Will you obey
today?


Note:  I hope some of my brethren can make some use of this, its far from perfect and far
from exhaustive so if you use this outline and add some more to it, please let me know
so I can add those thoughts here for other's to benefit from as well!   Thanks, JW